The Dating Game
ÕÒ¶ÔÏó Zhao Dui Xiang

Did you know that the complex character for ai (love) happens to be a picture of a hand holding a heart up to another heart on a plate. But with the simplification of Chinese characters, the "heart" was taken out of "love," and now it looks like this: °®, a heart above a friend. Of course nowadays it seems more appropriate that the character for the word "love" be written with a money radical!

Dating With Chinese Characteristics (or Love Chinese Style)
Whether you're trying to figure out how to win the heart of that special Chinese someone or you want to paoqi - break up with) them, this Comrade Language is for you. If you're hoping to meet your lixiangde duixiang (ideal partner), or youre just trying to paoniu-(pick up chicks) or bang ge dakuan / kuanjie - find a Sugar Daddy or Mama), this week's column should offer some useful pick up lines, uh? I mean "sincere romantic overtures" that are guaranteed to result in some sort of physical contact, even if it is just a slap in the face!

Xing saorao -- (sexual harassment) and daigou - (generation gaps) aside, your humble Comrade is always happy to share the wisdom of his many years of fengfude jingyan - (abundant amorous experience). Fearing that I may be a bit rusty, I took a lesson from Taiwan-funded shoe factories and used as many underaged workers as I could find to keep my shouzhi- (finger) on the maibo-(pulse) of the dating scene. Now here's some pillow talk and come-ons that have served me well over the years:

For The Romantic (langman)
"Haikushilan cixinbuyi - (Should the seas run dry and rocks turn to mush, I shall always remain faithful). Make sure you have a China Air sickbag handy if you use this line.

For The Sappy/Nauseating (exin)
You can either quote from any Canto-pop song, or you can say "woxiangnixiangde bunengziba - (You're hopelessly on my mind). If that doesn't get the message across, try "woxiangnixiangde weitong - (I miss you so much my stomach hurts). If you can't get love, you'll at least settle for sympathy, right?

For The Daring (danzi da)
"Xiaojie, shi nide tui hen chang haishi qunzi taiduan?" -- (Miss, is it your legs that are so long or your skirt that is so short?) Rumor has it that this is the line Chiang Kai-shek used to pick up Song Meiling.

For The Poetic (shiren)
"Women qu kan yunyu ba" - (literally: "Let's go see the clouds and rain" or "Let's get it on") This line is way too poetic for your average Joe/Zhou. If it fails to produce the desired response, try the next one: 

For The Obnoxious (culu)
"Yiwan shuijiao duoshao qian?" - (literally: "How much for a bowl of dumplings?" you'll have to figure out what it actually means on your own, after all, this is a community newspaper!), or "wo xiang chi nide doufu" - (lit: "I'd like to eat your tofu" or "Let's suck face").

These are a couple of those easy-to-mispronounce sentences that you should be able to get away with saying as long as you keep a straight face. People will just assume that since you're a foreigner you simply don't realize that you're being offensive.

For The Desperate (mei banfa) Or The Hopeless (mei xiwang)
Try going on TV and actinglike an idiot or singing Chinese songs. It worked for a couple of people I know. Or you could enter the national "Foreigners Use Chopsticks" competition, and compete for the coveted title of "Kuaizi King." Then who could possibly resist you?

Once you've got that special someone on the proverbial hook (ba ta yin shanggou, it's time for your first yuehui (date). The proper attire for women is a girdle, chastity belt, your best Sunday dress and caked-on makeup. Men should wear their suit with the brand name label displayed conspicuously on the sleeve. Keep your jacket and tie on, even in 40 degree weather. If you get hot you can just roll up your pant legs.

Foreign women should try to restrain themselves during the date and not be as aggressive as they are inclined to be (just sit on the back of the bicycle and don't insist on pedalling). Foreign men should try not to be as sappy and meek as they're used to being in front of women (insist on pedaling the bicycle), and remember to take your heart medicine and wear your hair piece. Take your date to a romantic dinner at McDonald's. Note that the proper time to eat dinner is at 4:30 p.m. Make sure to get lots and lots of those little ketchup packets with your meal. You and your date should dip your french fries into the same torn-open packet of ketchup (it's considered intimate).

During your date, talk about such interesting topics as where you come from, what you eat, how long you've studied Chinese, how many brothers and sisters you have, your blood type, how difficult it is to use chopsticks, how much money you make and how much your clothes cost. (Remember that all monetary amounts should be quoted in US dollars with no modifier. For example, "This watch cost me two hundred.") At the end of your date, if it has gone really well, expect your date to say "I love you." But don't expect so much as a kiss goodnight. Shake hands and go home. Your date is over.